Chat Stories #2

Met the same classmate from school on Gtalk again today. I’d seen pictures of her engagement in her Orkut album, and thought I’d congratulate her.

me: you’re getting married!

d: yesss…in nov..
thanx dear..
me: who’s he?
lives where?
does what?
d: he is abhishek…arranged marriage..very nice guy..frm delhi…into business..
me: ok…
family friends?
d: no thru matrimonial services…
me: oh ok
Now why do I have a problem with that?
Technically, to each her own – right?
Even so. I have a problem with this. And I can’t put my finger on why exactly that is so.
Maybe because I feel there is this “need” to be married. Yes – I know all about the historical, sociological and psychological “needs” that lead to marriage. What I don’t get is why the urgency?
This girl was seeing someone, I hear. But the guy she marries is someone her family chose for her. Someone they thought would be suitable.
What is “suitable”? For me, it would be someone I could live with. Someone I could talk with. Someone I could be myself with. How can someone else know what would be suitable for me?
Another thought. Why is it that so many people don’t marry the man or woman they date? Does this happen only in India? Is the man you date, or the woman you date, not good enough to take home to mummy?
This was just random thinking. Don’t bother. I would like to hear what you think though. šŸ™‚


Filed under thinks

12 responses to “Chat Stories #2

  1. I guess our ‘Bharatiya sabhyata’ comes between love and marriage. Unfortunate but true.

    Reminds me of a sms I got sometime back.. “U love someone u marry someone, the one u marry becomes ur wife and the one u love becomes ur email password” !

    me: How sad that this is true so often! But really, ‘bhartiya sabhyata’ HAS to mean bigger, better things than this.

  2. Arre! what a chirpy header!

    ‘for the rest of the post, maybe I’ll dog ear it, and in five years, be able to take a stand on what proved suitable (for me).

    me: I know – pretty no? šŸ™‚

  3. dipali

    Interesting. (I’ve just been blogging on weddings again)
    Why are people old enough to date not old enough to marry whomsoever they choose?

    me: Does anyone know the answer to that?

  4. its probably a lot of things combined. parents pressure being primary… and this change will take time to come through if you want people to get married to whoever they date.. ok first forget about marraige people still cannot discuss relationships with there parents even. take my case. i am going out with a punjabi and i am a muslim.. i would have probably been able to discuss my relationship with my folks had my guy been muslim.. and to think that i am from a relatively liberal family…
    it is because of this denial mode that parents go into that people are not able to then stand upto there relationships even if they want to… ive heard and seen my cousins being beaten up when there intentions of marrying someone by there own choice were revealed.. and the guy was a muslim.. come to think of that…

    as a society i think love is still frowned upon…. mebe not in certain sections of society… but in a major part yes… read what ive written here..
    mebe not completely what you are talking about but related….

    me: All true, Tanzi. But, isn’t that a problem? Not just in the practical sense – but in the bigger sociological perspective? You must read Dipali’s post on marriages, where she says: “Some atavistic urge seems to prevent both parents and children from recognizing each other as sexual beings.” True, isn’t it – in a majority of families? I wonder why this is so though.

  5. do I have to tell u I agree??

    To me, marriage should follow love, not the other way around.

    Simply because I don’t think marriage should happen because its “supposedly” the right thing to do or that one has reached a certain “age”. One should marry only when one finds someone one wants to spend the rest of their life with!

    f I hadn’t found th boy, I would have been ok living by myself rather than marry someone just because!

    me: Exactly! And about the recognizing each other as sexual beings thing from Dipali’s post – wonder why that is so – this de-sexing of parents and children.

  6. ways

    Followed you here from Chandni’s blog šŸ™‚

    Agree 100%. And sorry if I sound a wee bit blasphemous, just my opinion – you said you’d like to hear! There isn’t a need to marry even if you do find the someone whom you want to be with for all of your remaining life. As long as you two are together. Maybe when you have babies you would want to get married to give the societal approval… maybe not… umm, rambling…. sorry.

    Regarding marrying those whom you don’t even know – I can’t understand the concept. And I also can’t understand the hurry to marry either. But yes – to each their own. Maybe the need for companionship is too great. Also maybe some of us are far more adaptable than the others. Also maybe some of us don’t think so much, just follow the trend and are happy doing so too. I can’t understand all that – but i’m happy for them.

    me: Not blasphemous at all, ways! šŸ™‚ I agree totally! What is marriage if not a sociological need that’s come up due to political and psychological reasons, and become the norm?

  7. “Marriage should follow love”: totally. In fact, I don’t think marriage, in the abstract, makes any sense. It’s only when you find someone that you overwhelmingly want to be with for the forseeable future, that marriage makes sense (at least to me. And even then, you might still not want to get married.) What I’m saying is, deciding, “oh, I want to get married in a year”, and then looking for a suitable partner – as I’ve seen so many people do – just well, doesn’t make sense!

    me: Exactly! See – now I know what my problem was with that whole chat, and this girl’s choice. What would I do without this blog to vent without making much sense, and then to have people like you making sense out of randomness?! šŸ™‚

  8. well said unmana. You say it so much better than me šŸ˜€

    me: True. šŸ™‚

  9. Thank you, ladies. Lovely to find people like you online, though I don’t know that many such in real life!

  10. Leena

    I couldn’t agree with you more. I actually can’t figure out how they can marry someone else after being in another relationship. What if they got too involved with the earlier person? How does the person they marry accept their history? This is something I could never do.

  11. Are you KIDDING me?

    Here’s a thought –

    It may not be an essential need to get married with a crapping urgency, but no one wants to end up alone I believe.

    It is more real than you think!

    As for people not marrying the ones they date….


    Are you KIDDING me???
    I’m surprised the ones who do…actually DO.
    And HAPPY for those where it WORKS!

    People have a weirdly optimistic view on ..well…people.
    Hope! šŸ™‚

  12. Leena: “How does the person they marry accept their history?” Are you serious? You think the fact that they dated/cared for in a romatic way someone else in the past negates the fact that they care for you now?

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