Is it true, what they say?! That a couple starts thinking and looking alike after being together for some time?
:-O

We have two bathrooms at home – one attached to our bedroom, and the second attached to G’s dad’s room. Now, we both leave for office together every morning, so there’s always a rush to get ready, and bathrooms, thus, are a precious commodity. And so, I use the one next to our room, and G uses the other one.

This morning, I debated between wearing either a black dress or a sari to office. But not being able to decide on the shoes to wear with the dress, and not having the time for a sari after spending (a lot of) time on the ’shoe problem’ – I eventually ended up putting on a black cotton button-down shirt and blue jeans.

And as I stand in front of the mirror, putting on eye-liner, my pest of a husband walks in to the room. I see him from the corner of my eye and turn around in shock.

He’s wearing a black cotton button-down shirt and blue jeans!!

She’s sitting in bed, watching the nth rerun of Friends, as he walks in, saying: “Match laga do, please.”

She asks – “What channel does it come on?”

He answers – “Set Max.”

She switches to the channel with the cricket match. There are some Red and Blue uniformed people she sees.

“Who’s playing?”, she asks him.

He gives her a very amused look, almost laughs, and then nods a nod of understanding, ‘cos he knows her so well.

“Royal Challengers Bangalore and Deccan Chargers”, he says, turning back to the TV.

“Deccan Char…?”

“Hyderabad”, he says, before she finishes her question, knowing what she’d be asking.

They watch in silence. For 30 seconds.

“Why were you going to laugh?”, she asks.

“‘Cos, babe, it’s the finals!!”

…

What was funny, I ask?!

And, yes – that’s how much I don’t like, and don’t follow, cricket.

You sleep till late,
while I wake early
and wait
for the slumber leading from
the excesses of
Saturday night
to end.

Or sometimes keep
peeping into our bedroom, while
getting ready, watering the plants,
feeding the cats.

Looking in, at you sleeping,
like you do,
your nose buried in your pillow.

Smelling like you do,
(as I keep telling you)
like a rubber balloon.

Waiting for you to wake
up. So I can see your searching
eyes, looking for me
to kiss your sleep away.

And then you sit
up in bed, wanting
your hot cup of strong
sweet tea, and the news
of the day.

And after that first
kiss of the day,
I go back to getting ready,
watering the plants, feeding
the cats, and waiting
for the next one that comes
when you’re getting out
of our bed, and starting our one day
together.

Remember this show – Mad About You, with Helen Hunt and Paul Reiser?

I used to love it! Am currently downloading the 3rd and 4th seasons of the show.

So, I found this book written by Paul Reiser. It’s called Couplehood. And, it’s typical Paul Reiser! And, I love it!

Here’s an excerpt:

“…the way I figure, there are two types of people: those who get it and those who don’t. If they get it, there’s nothing to explain, and if they don’t, there’s no point in trying to explain. They don’t get it. Move on.

But I remember thinking that if you’re going to be with someone, you should find someone who gets it. And someone who fits.”

…

Interesting thing: Ask most guys why they marry the woman they do, and they’ll tell you, “She’s the first one who called me on everything.”

All the things you tried to get away with in the past, all the games you designed and mastered for the express purpose of keeping people at arm’s length were, it turns out, all just a weeding-out process, a search for the one person who doesn’t fall for it – the one who can sidestep your tricks and see right through you. And, ironically, you’re not upset. In fact, you’re impressed. You think, “Wow, good for you.” And the message goes forth: “Okay, no more calls, we have a winner.”

…

See, a lot of times we’re just clueless. We walk around, scarred from previous relationships, thinking we’ve learned something, when in fact, things that may have been deal breakers in the past may not even bother the person you’re with now. (Learning what actually bothers the new person is how you spend the rest of your life.) But there is this need to disclose potential problem areas.

“I snore.”

“That’s okay.”

“No, but I snore in odd, little rhythms.”

“Doesn’t bother me.”

“I once snored a medley from The King and I.”

“My favourite musical.”

“Alright…I just thought you should know.”

And you keep raising the ante. Not that you want to scare them off; it’s just that if they’re ever going to leave you, let’s get it out of the way now.

“You may notice that in the bathroom, I tend to flush a few seconds before I’m actually done. I don’t know why, I just do. And there’s no way I can change. Do you understand this? Can you accept this? Because it has cost me dearly in the past.”

And she still hasn’t changed her mind.

So, you think, “Maybe this’ll work.” And ultimately, they find out everything:

How you chew, how you sip, how you hum, how you dance. How you smell at every point in the day, how you are on the phone with your mother, the fact that many of your friends are shallow, that you always have to sit on the aisle, how you never really listen, how whiny you get when you travel, how you’r enot gracious to her friends when they call, how certain game shows make you really really happy, how cranky you get because you’re too stupid to remember to eat, how you manage to get confrontational only when it’s with the absolute wrong person to be yelling at, how you don’t like the way you look in any picture you’ve taken since 1974, how you’re unable to get off the phone when you’re running late because you don’t have the ability to say, “This isn’t a good time; can I call you back?” How you have to lick certain fruits before actually eating them, how you have no ability to save receipts – all these things, and they still want to sign on. They still like you.

This feels good. For about a minute.

But the next thought is, “Wait a second, why is she being so understanding? If this stuff doesn’t faze her, her stuff must be even worse … Oh God – what don’t I know?”

And every day, bit by bit, you find out.

…

True, no?

It’s been almost a year and a half since I lived alone last. I did that for about six years, and used to quite enjoy it actually. And then G and I got married, and I got used to living with him. So used to living with him that I don’t know what to do with myself when he’s not here.

He left for London today. Will be back in ten days.

I’m already bored.

Especially because I couldn’t get to office today. Because of the Gujjar agitation and the NCR bandh.
So I stayed home but did office work mostly, watched the news like an insane person to see if roads were still blocked, did some more office work, took a nap, more work, watched TV, dinner, still more TV, and now back to work again. And I haven’t watched THIS MUCH television in the last two years!

Now I’m thinking, is it a good thing that I’m so used to G that I’m this bored without him, or is it really bad to be at such a loss for what to do when he’s not here, and it’s just only been a day since he left?

Tomorrow should hopefully be better because I’ll be in office mostly. But then again, who will I call everytime I want to tell a funny story, or talk about something that just happened, or something someone just said, or everytime I want to bitch about someone, or everytime I’m trying to think of a song I like but can’t remember the words to? So, yeah – I shall be missing him. That’s what I’m gonna be doing for the next ten days.

And. I REALLY need to start liking living alone again. Especially since this time it isn’t in a one room barsaati, instead it’s a nice pretty house. And this time there is our maid, who cooks really well and makes sure the house is nice and pretty.

I think I’m missing G so much because I know there are another 10 days to go. *Sigh*

Is today. The 28th of March.

Today’s six years(!!) from the day G and I first met – in person.

(Yes, sweetie – I am letting the cat out of the bag…!)

This is the story that I do not like too many people to know in normal circumstances – why? – ‘coz it is – well – embarrassing (don’t ask me why!) … !

So, this is 2001, and this friend of mine who’s from Bokaro originally is extremely homesick and I’m off to Meerut for the weekend – and ask her to come along, and she does. Now she’s never chatted – as in, online, y’know – and these are the days when ICQ was the hottest thing around – this was before Yahoo or MSN even got popular, and much before the days of Google Talk.

So, well – I log her into my ICQ account, and do search on users based in Delhi, and up pops a very interesting username – hawkeye. Why it’s interesting to me is because Alan Alda was called Hawkeye Pierce in M*A*S*H – and I was quite in love with him!

So then, I obviously had to talk to this person. Except that it wasn’t me talking, but my friend – let’s call her R.

So, R and hawkeye have a long conversation (apparently!) that weekend. R and I go back to Delhi. When I come back home a few weekends later though, and log in to my ICQ account, up pops this interesting username again. This time he’s on my friends list, and is online.

By this time I’ve sort of forgotten that whole episode – and am wondering who this person is.

We start talking. That night. The night after that. For weeks after that. But only online. And once in a while he would call on the hostel phone, or the phone at home when I was in Meerut.

I found him interesting, funny – and found that we have so much in common! We grew up reading the same books, and loved the same characters in them.

Once while chatting, he said “spitty” – and I was beyond shocked! Ern Goon was my favourite character from The Five Find-outers and Dog .

These and many other such things made us both slowly start becoming that one phone call in the day that made us stay all-smiley for the rest of the day – and night.

We first met in person almost six months later though – on the 28th of March 2002. At the Mac Donald’s in Kamla Nagar – not the one there is now. It used to be in another place earlier.

And then, we kept meeting – more and more often.

We’d go to an art gallery (Art Today – when it was still around) one day, to a book shop another time, browse through carpet shops, the Tanishq showroom in Connaught Place, Palika Bazaar, coffee shops (Star Beans in CP – it’s been closed for renovation for the last 4 years!), Janpath – and every time, in every place – we’d like the exact same things! I’m not kidding – from carpets to watches, from books to films, from clothes to paintings, from food to jewellery. You have no idea how unnerving this was…!!

The only thing that our tastes differed in – and still do – was music. He likes Rock. I like Oldies (Hindi and English), Classical, Jazz, and Blues.

Other things we differ in: I read more. And I read faster. I’m more liberal. He’s just a little bit conservative. He loves sports. I detest them. I love spicy food. He can’t eat too much spice.

…

So, anyway…

Today’s six years from then…

And today’s more special than our wedding anniversary…

And, I’m just about to leave office to meet him – and spend the evening together.

Oh, and our lives too.

G plans to write a mail to his boss.

…

me: Send it to me before you do.

G: Why? You want to do a grammar check?

me: And a spell check.

G: What are you, like, Microsoft Word?

me: No. Open Office.

G: No, you’re not.

me: Yes, I am. I’m anti-establishment.

G: If Open Office was anti-establishment, it would corrupt Word files. It doesn’t do that. So, ergo.

me: Ok…yeah…true. So, what am I?

G: You’re like…some new, unique version.

.

.

.

.

I think that’s so sweet.

that I cannot stand people calling / mailing / scrapping / sms-ing me to ask – “How’s your married life going?”

People who read this blog: Please refrain from asking me the above question. Ever.

No, I do not mind you asking me – “How’s life?” I will answer that. I will say whether it is good, great, bad, too much work, too little work, etc. But, I will not reply when you ask how my married life is going!

I have a problem with that on many different levels. Want me to elaborate? Okay…here goes…

1. Does anyone ask my husband that? Is his life supposed to change too? I have never heard anyone ask him that? Why do you suppose that my life will change dramatically?
2. Why do you assume that I will happily be changing things around in my life, to make it different from my-life-when-it-was-my-life?
3. Yes, I’m married. Yes, things have changed. But, I’m first the person I always have been. Then, a daughter, grand-daughter and sister, a friend, a student, an employee, and a film maker. After all of that, did I become a wife. Now, when none of you people asked me about college life, work life, life as a daughter, life as a friend, or as a sister – why the sudden classification of my life now?

Okay, I’m done.

I wish for you all the happiness and love in the world this year. And, I’d like to say – Thanks.

Had written this, and since I wrote it, had wanted to write about you too. Was storing it up. Had thought – either your birthday, or our first anniversary. Couldn’t wait another month.

Sweetheart, I’ve now known you for close to six and a half years – and have loved every moment of it. I don’t remember when it was that I fell in love with you, and I don’t even recollect when it was that I realised that I was in love with you. You just grew from being my best, closest friend to my “boyfriend”, to my husband. Marriage to you was more a natural progression of our friendship, than anything else. Even now, 11 months since we’ve been married – I still haven’t gotten used to having you around all the time. As 11 p.m. approaches, I find often find myself getting impatient of everything else, and wanting to just only spend time with you. 11 p.m. because that’s the time you’d say bye and go back home, before we were married. And then, it suddenly hits me – you ain’t goin’ away now…!! And then I get this nice warm feeling inside.

Sometimes I feel that I missed that “cathartic” feeling that a lot of people get after getting married – the complete euphoria and “letting go”. But then, I wouldn’t change what we had/have for anything.

The friendship, the craziness, the late night drink on the terrace, the fights, the trying-to-understand-each-other conversations, the love, the togetherness, the feeling of being a “team”, the mad laughter, the cards, the e-mails, the late night phone calls, the serious discussions about books and films, sharing work stories, sharing the most useless information, sharing our lives.

Here’s to all of that, and all that there is to come.

Happy Birthday.

I love you.

…Two marriages actually

It all started around the last week of November. The first marriage was of a childhood friend’s cousin. Now this friend (let’s call her N) and I go a long way back. Our parents were friends, and every weekend (and some weekdays even) would be spent together, either in their house or ours. We even went to the same school, though she was a year senior. Her younger brother was a year or two older than S. In fact, even her grandparents lived in D’dun, so even trips to Naani’s were mostly together.

N has a cousin – let’s call him K – who I actually remember meeting when I was in Class Nine, though I’m quite sure we must’ve met many times before that as well. And, I remember in particular, one New Year’s Eve, when there was this big fun party at N’s place, and we all danced till way past midnight. K and I danced together a lot, and that had led to many tears (so N tells me now!) amongst other cousins. I remember thinking he was sweet. And, I remember emails from him that said that I had the prettiest eyes. Apparently, he was teased a lot for the soft corner he had for me.

Now, somewhere down the line, we lost touch. Many years after that, he once gave me a lift back to Delhi after a weekend at home in Meerut. Then we lost touch again. Some weeks back, N and I were chatting, and she told me that K was getting married, and the conversation turned to the “crush” he’d had on me. So, I took his number from her to congratulate him, and before I knew it, I was invited for the wedding that was two days later.

G and I went. Met K after ages! In fact, met N after ages too!

Was nice. Especially nice was G cribbing about having to keep on meeting men who’ve had crushes and/or been in love with his wife.

The second wedding was last week. This was another childhood friend’s marriage. Her parents and mine were as close. She, her sister, my brother S and I grew up together. We are neighbours too.

I distinctly remember the time when (let’s call this one ‘A’), A and I had just started reading Nancy Drew. We’d spend all afternoon and evening making up mysteries out of nothing. ‘Nothing’ included spying on neighbours and making people’s everyday activities seem extremely suspicious, and then making ourselves feel very important by looking for clues, and trying to solve the (imaginary) mystery.

We also, I remember, would play ghar-ghar (house), and “hotel-hotel”! Now hotel-hotel consisted of one of us being the manager, the other being the Restaurant Manager, and both our younger siblings being the work force of the hotel. We’d, with great concentration, even make a detailed menu for the restaurant.

Now with such a fun childhood spent together, how could I not go for her marriage?

So, I took two days off from work, and went to Meerut for two days full(!!) of many many functions and many-many-many changes of saris for Mom and me. In two days, we managed to show-off five saris each.

A is a Christian, who just married a Hindu. Her husband seems to be a really nice guy. I did think that she’s find his family a little over-bearing, but I hear she’s fitted in beautifully. And looks very pretty with bindis and sindoor.

They’re on their honeymoon right now. And, very happy. So am I, for her.

Was talking to G the other night, and realised that for A, being married to this guy, might even be a cathartic experience. After years of being in love, families disagreeing on so many things, wanting to get out – it finally happens – you finally get to marry him, and begin a completely new life – together – only the two of you. With G and me, it wasn’t like this, and I’m not very sure if I missed having this feeling. For us, our honeymoon was loads of fun. It was the first actual holiday we were going for all alone. We had gone for holidays together before, but this one was without friends and families. It was wonderful. But, it didn’t feel quite that different from the last five years that we’d been together. For A, I think, this must be one of the most uniquely beautiful moments in her life. Cathartic, I said, in the sense of a complete purging or relieving of pent-up emotions, especially socially-unacceptable emotions in a small town like Meerut.

In a month or so, they leave for where he’s posted currently, and begin their new life together in real. Here’s hoping that they have a life full of love, happiness, laughter, togetherness and fun.

Cheers.

The diyaas that Mom sent.

This photo was taken after G was done soaking them
in water and was putting them in the sun to dry.My rangoli.
G insisted, while I was making it, that it looked
like a 10 year old had made it. After I was done with it, though,
he did admit it actually looked nice.
Oh, and he helped too.
Oh, and this was made with the rangoli colours that Mom sent.

Sparks!

Yours truly. And, you can see the pretty
diyaas in the background.

Really like this photo.
Looks like both of us have our wands out, and
are casting spells on each other. Quite Potter-ish.
Oh, and that’s my hand in the foreground.

Papa was in town yesterday, and came over for a drink and dinner, and to drop off all that Mom had sent for me for दिवाली (Diwali) – and since then, I can’t stop smiling every time I think of it. : )

My mother is crazy – and both, her Mom and my Dad, wish they too had a Mom like her!

She sends me nicely wrapped presents on every festival – Diwali, Christmas, Valentine’s Day – and then asks for the wrapping paper to be kept carefully and handed back to her safely. And, she’s strangely fond of sending मिठाई (mithaai/sweets) – even though she knows no one will finish it in my house.

She’s always sent me pretty lights for Diwali, and last year, she got me a huge Christmas tree and all the decorations for it. Yesterday though, you outdid yourself, Ma! : )

So, I got a huge box full of मिटटी के दिए (lamps), along with the cotton बत्तियां (wicks), two packets of candles, very pretty electric lights, five packets of रंगोली (rangoli) colour, (AND) a book with रंगोली designs, very pretty गणेश and लक्ष्मी statuettes, one गणेश lamp, a packet full each of बादाम (almonds), काजू (cashewnuts) and अंजीर (dried figs), and a DVD player.

All this ‘coz she knows I like mitti ka diyaas more than candles on Diwali.

She knows I love making rangoli, though I don’t know how to.

And she knows these are the three dry fruits I like the most – almonds, cashewnuts and figs.

And, she knows that this’ll be my first Diwali away from “home” in 25 years – in my own house this time.

And, she knows I’ll miss everything – the pre-made marble rangoli design in our verandah at home (for which you don’t need a rangoli design book), filling oil in all the lamps and then lighting them all over the house, the crazy Diwali pooja at home, wearing saris, walking all over town to see the lights and the mela.

Yes, I’ll miss all this a whole lot, Ma. But, I’ll miss you more. Love you.

…and I wish I lived in easier and simpler times.

The question – or questions – in my head are many.

I don’t believe in god.

Karvachauth is a religious tradition.

But then I do believe in traditions, even if I don’t believe in god or religion.

I celebrate Diwali, Rakhi, Christmas and Id. Not for their religious meanings or reasons – but for the tradition we’ve had of celebrating them in my family.

Then why am I so confused about keeping a fast tomorrow?

Maybe because it’s the first time.

Maybe because it’s one of those traditions that I feel if I observe then people will expect me to also observe a lot of other things I that I don’t at all believe in.

But, do I believe in this one either?

Frankly, I don’t know. I do like the feeling of it. Sacrificing food for a day for the long life of the one you love. Leaving food for a day, I don’t have a problem with that. Just like my Mom, I won’t follow the fast to extreme limits either – like not even having a sip of water all day. Talked to her a little while back – and we decided we’d have everything – milk, fruits – everything except aanaaj (grain) or salt. That’s quite do-able.

That’s another reason, I think – that I’ve seen Mom keep the fast every year. And Papa too. I got a little bit of mehndi put on one hand today, ‘coz I know that’ll make my crazy mother extremely happy.

So, I will keep the fast tomorrow.

Tomorrow is also the first day of my new job. And no – I am not going to get all dressed up and go to work. For me, karvachauth is a very personal thing – and I don’t need to show the world that I’m married. I don’t think that is my identity at all. My identity is me. A lot of people asked me why I didn’t wear the chooda after our marriage. That was for the same reason. Because my marriage is also a very personal thing. For me, our marriage is only a formalisation of the love that G and I share. And, partly, it was about getting our families involved too.

The reason for this post was more to make up my own mind – and writing it down just made it easier. But, like I said in the beginning, I wish I lived in easier and simpler times. Then maybe all this wouldn’t have made me think oh-so-much(!!) – for the last two weeks, no less!

Update: So, yes – yesterday was Karvachauth. I kept the fast (the convenient kind), and so did G. Then, we both waited for the moon after we got back home from work. The GPS on my phone said the moon rise time was 8:21 p.m. – but on just that day when people are waiting for it, it finally is seen not before 9:15 p.m.! Anyway, so after the whole moon-water thing, G, his dad, my brother and I went out to dinner – since neither of our maids had turned up all day, even after me giving them the whole spiel about not missing work just because you have a fast, etc. After dinner, came back home and crashed out. There! That was what the first karvachauth was like. (30\107, 3:17 p.m.)

“Hail wedded love, mysterious law, true source of human offspring.” – John Milton

“Marriage is like pi – natural, irrational, and very important.” – Lisa Hoffman

“A wedding is a start of togetherness… of walks in the rain, basking in the sunshine, shared meals, caring for one another, and sensing the love that a marriage carries.” – Unknown